Words or images can’t capture what I felt today as I watched a man I got to know die right before my eyes in prison. This is the second man I’ve seen pass away since starting this project and just like an inmate hospice worker told me it makes your heart drop to the floor.
I’m not use to this. I never want to get use to this.
One of the nurses stopped Jenn and I today as we were walking out and told us that she hopes his death didn’t effect us too much. It did Jenn told her. It’s our only hope that those raw emotions are ingrained in every picture and video we took today. Pictures of a man who, despite our presence, still died alone. Those emotions are the one hope we have in the viewer connecting with the final piece.
Today, like many of the aging inmates, I felt helpless. Many photographers say a camera creates a barrier between you and your subjects. It does, but what it doesn’t shield you from is the hopelessness you feel when you take the camera down from your eye.
Some of the inmates ask us how the project will help them. I’m never sure how to respond. The best response I find with inmates is to be as honest as possible. I quickly found that they remember every little thing you tell them. Their word is the only thing they have in there and they hold everyone to it. I can’t promise them this project will help anyone let alone them.
I’m not even sure how to answer them when they ask me if it’s at least helping me. They think I’m crazy when I tell them I’m not getting paid for this work. That doesn’t matter much though as I’m working on something I love with the person I love. Photography just happens to be a part of the process. I’m to the point where I want to work on projects for only three people. Myself, the people I love, and my subjects.
I guess this is the emotion you deal with when working on a long-term project. Your heart gets involved. Sure these men did some heinousness things, but I’m not there to judge them. As the Warden said they’ve already been judged.
I did learn one thing today. Prison is no place to die.
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wow. powerful story. i can’t wait to see the final product of the project.
Thanks Trent.